There are things worse than cheating.
Hear me out.
As a child of the ‘90s, who was raised by Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton, and Faith Evans, I grew up thinking the only relationship pitfall I had to be on the lookout for was an unfaithful man. This mindset, of course, caused me to miss innumerable other Najamah Davis of ND Counseling Services.
Before the quiet erosion becomes a heartbreak, the most important move is simple: notice the signs early and don’t ignore them. The honeymoon phase can be deceiving. Early excitement and zeal often hide the truth that one partner may be contributing far less than the other. But don’t worry, we’ve got you.
Getting the Bare Minimum
According to Davis, the early warning signs can manifest as a “lack of initiative” or a partner “only showing up when they’re asked to.” It can also look like dodging emotional connection, patterns of cancelled plans, minimal communication, and an overall “lack of effort.”
In real life, that might mean you’re the one initiating most of the texts and calls, planning the majority of dates or outings, handling the emotional labor, shouldering the bulk of the household or relational responsibilities, and showing a general lack of consideration. It can be confusing because the interest is there—they give just enough to show they care, but the effort is minimal. Think: “I like you, but I’m lazy” energy. It might seem cute at first, but over time, these small, consistent imbalances quietly erode trust, intimacy, and your sense of being valued.
You might also find yourself remembering birthdays and anniversaries, picking up the emotional pieces when your partner is upset, or smoothing over conflicts they rarely address. They frequently cancel plans at the last minute, show up late without apology, or simply disengage from the relationship when effort is required.
The Consequences
Davis points out that a partner giving the bare minimum isn’t just less expensive love—it’s not like choosing off-the-rack designer clothes or buying no-frills grocery items. The mental and emotional consequences are significant and cumulative.
“Being with someone who consistently underinvests in the relationship can lead to feelings of invisibility, unworthiness, and emotional starvation,” Davis warns. “Over time, it can affect the [invested] partner’s self-esteem. They may blame themselves for not receiving enough attention from their partner. [It can also cultivate] feelings of loneliness.”
The Temptation to Do More
As Black women, we rise to the occasion. We’re often accustomed to carrying not just our own load, but everyone else’s too. That makes us especially vulnerable to overfunctioning in relationships where our partner gives the bare minimum. But doing more won’t fix what’s broken. Overfunctioning may feel like love at first, but in reality, it’s just you doing the work of two.
“It leads to burnout or resentment,” Davis advises. “You find yourself harboring anger, and it can [manifest] in ways you don’t even recognize right away. You may find yourself overreacting when it comes to small things. This is not beneficial to the relationship.”
To Stay or Go?
Now that we’ve covered how to recognize the signs and the dangers of maintaining the status quo, the next step is assessing the relationship’s salvageability.
A sign that the relationship can be salvaged is “if you can acknowledge or recognize growth in the partner,” says Davis. “There has to be accountability and acknowledgement of the problem, and an active willingness to work toward change.”
Essentially, if both partners are willing to reflect, communicate openly, and take tangible steps to improve the relationship, there’s potential for growth.
There isn’t, however, “if you’re [constantly] repeating yourself, sharing your expectations, and your partner isn’t listening to you, becoming defensive, or just isn’t willing to make an effort to grow the relationship, work on themselves, or do their part to make the relationship better. When both partners are not on the same page regarding the needs of the relationship or are failing to demonstrate the same level of commitment, the relationship won’t grow. It would be best for them to part ways.”
It’s about honesty with yourself: acknowledging when you’ve given your all and recognizing when your partner isn’t willing—or able—to meet you halfway.
“Don’t confuse convenience with commitment. Don’t allow history to keep you confined to the relationship,” Davis adds. “Be clear about your non-negotiables and give yourself permission to expect more.”
TOPICS: love and relationships
The post Living Your Best (Love) Life: How To Break Free From Bare Minimum Relationships appeared first on Essence.